


pain that burns

by CASTlEL



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean and Charlie are besties, Fix-It of Sorts, Funny Castiel (Supernatural), Gay Panic, Kinda Fluffy, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, but its okay, castiel is dramatic, i feel a little evil for this, i want charlie to be my bff, mostly just crack honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:39:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CASTlEL/pseuds/CASTlEL
Summary: seeing the face of someone you loved and lost in heaven of all places is not something dean expected
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester
Kudos: 36





	pain that burns

**Author's Note:**

> after finding out jimmy novak was originally going to be in the finale (not even cas) and some inspo from twitter i wrote this

The smell of beer overrides Dean's senses as he steps into the bar. The Roadhouse looks exactly how Dean remembered it. He basks in the nostalgia of it for a moment, before he's snapped out of it, not even realizing he isn't alone.

"Hey, kid," Ellen said, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. "Hey, Ellen," he says softly. Over her shoulder, he takes note of who else is here. Ash, Jo and Charlie are all sitting at the bar, smiles on their faces. Pulling away from Ellen, he walks towards the rest of them.

He barely gets out "Hey" before Charlie is tackling him in another bone crushing hug. He chuckles and says, "Missed you nerd." He continues, greeting Ash and Jo when suddenly Charlie is tugging his arm away. He looks back and forth between the pair and the redhead pulling on him, shrugging his shoulders at Jo and Ash, who nod, understanding.

Charlie brings him to the other side of the bar, near the window.

"What's with the privacy?" Dean chuckles. Charlie just shrugs. "What can I say? I want you all to myself." She smirks. Dean smiles at that. God he missed her. Her expression softened a bit. "I missed you, Dean. Although, I didn't expect to see you this soon."

"Me neither." He sighs.

"How'd it happen anyway? If you don't mind me asking." She reaches for a drink on the table that Dean hadn't even noticed.

He clears his throat, suddenly a little embarrassed. "Uh, it was, uh.. rebar." He mumbles. Charlie's eyebrows shoot up and she almost chokes on her drink.

"Dude, you died of tetanus?"

"Shut up."

Charlie smirks, suppressing a laugh, playing with the straw in her drink. Dean is about to say something else when something catches his eye. Through the window, he sees a face. But not just any face. Cas. They make brief eye contact through the window and that's enough to send Dean into action. Charlie watches, rather amused, as Dean nearly falls off the bar stool, stumbling towards the front door.

He's not even drunk, he's barely had two sips of beer since he's arrived. But apparently the idea of Cas being back is intoxication enough. He opens the door and rushes to Cas, who's standing in the parking lot, his back to Dean.

He catches his breath when he's nearly a foot away from him. Everything he wants to say is caught in his throat. Before he has the chance to say anything, Cas turns around. But his face is wrong.

"Dean.. Winchester?" He says, but not in the same raspy voice he's used to.

His hope faltering, Dean shakily says, "Cas?" to which the man, clearly not Cas, shakes his head. "It's Jimmy, Jimmy Novak." He says.

Dean feels sick. At that moment, he hears the bar door open and Charlie's voice calling, "Dean?" But Dean is incapacitated. His hands are sweaty, his heart is beating way too fast and he feels dizzy. His feelings only worsen when Cas-- Jimmy --reaches out to touch Dean's shoulder. Dean reacts like he's been burned.

But then again, he's felt that way since Cas died. It's like ever since Cas was taken, ever since Cas told him he loved him, he feels like he's been lit on fire and is constantly burning. This situation right here, Jimmy touching him, looking like Cas, reminding him of what he's lost, he feels like he's been lit on fire all over again. And it doesn't feel like he's going to stop burning.

"Are you okay?" He can hear Jimmy talking, but it's distant. He needs to get out of here, he needs to get away from him. His vision is swimming as he walks to the impala, feeling more and more nauseous by the second. He ignores the confusion and concern from Jimmy, not able to look him in the face. He can faintly make out Charlie calling his name but he ignores her too. He turns on the car and drives off, not even wanting to look in the rearview mirror until he's miles down the road.

After a few minutes, he sighs heavily, not realizing he was holding his breath. His vision returns to normal and he's no longer dizzy. But he still feels nauseous. He pulls off to the side of the road, stepping out he doesn't hold back, taking all the time he needs puking on the grass. 

Once he's finished he leans against the hood, eyes on the ground. The pain of losing Cas is still fresh. Even after everything. Seeing Jimmy, him touching his shoulder, it was a whole new level of pain, one he didn't even think was possible, especially in Heaven. He looks up, trying to compose himself. Looking at his surroundings, he notices a barn, near right where he parked.

Curious and because he needs a distraction, he walks towards it. At first glance, he thinks it's the same barn he died in. But as he gets closer and closer, it hits him.

The barn. That night. Nearly over a decade ago. He hesitates for a moment, really not wanting to go in, for these memories to resurface. But though his brain says no, his heart says yes, and before he knows it, he's opening the doors.

It looks exactly the same way it did that night. All the sigils on the wall, the books and weapons on the tables. He smiles, bitterly, looking around. "God, Cas, we came a long way," he says, fighting back tears. He grabs the demon blade off the table, running his fingers over it. 

"It's not fair, Cas," his voice shakes. "We were so close. So close to defeating Chuck, _together _. We were so close to being free." He says, placing the knife back on the table. He looks up at the ceiling and all the sigils. "We were so close to finally having a normal life together," he whispers. He can't fight the tears if he tried and why should he bother, he's alone anyway. Or he was.__

__"Dean?" His head shoots up, meeting blue eyes. Cas-- Jimmy -- is right in front of him. It felt taunting really and Dean has had enough._ _

__"Jimmy, why are you here?" Dean sniffles. Jimmy opens his mouth but Dean doesn't let him speak. "No, just leave. Do you know how hard it is for me to look at you? I get that Cas was wearing _you _and everything but to me, you are Cas. Looking at you is just a reminder of who I loved and who I lost." Dean cries out.___ _

____Jimmy asks incredulously, "You loved him?"_ _ _ _

____Dean forces a chuckle, wiping away his tears. "Why do you think I took off like that?"_ _ _ _

____They stare at each other in silence. Dean tries to look away, it's just too painful. But those blue eyes have him locked in place. As Dean stares, he notices Jimmy's face softening, looking more and more like Cas by the second. He wants to look away, he _needs _to but a spark of hope ignites in his stomach again.___ _ _ _

______Taking another leap of faith, Dean whispers, "Cas?" He lowers his head, before mumbling, "Yes, Dean. It's me."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"You bastard," Dean grunts before grabbing him and pulling him into a hug._ _ _ _ _ _

______"What the fuck, man," Dean says. "Why did you do that to me."_ _ _ _ _ _

______"I accidentally walked by the window, it wasn't my intention for you to see me. I-I wasn't even sure you would want to see me," Cas rambles, nervously. "When you confronted me outside I, 'gay panicked' as Charlie put it." Dean smiled at his air quotes. "So, I pretended to be Jimmy. But after you left, I could feel your longing. Your longing for _me _." He says.___ _ _ _ _ _

________"I've missed you so much, Cas," Dean reveals, "Ever since you were taken, I felt like I've been burned, badly. And you pretending to be Jimmy didn't make that any easier." He lets out a dry chuckle and Cas nods empathetically. "And hey, you thinking I wouldn't wanna see you? Are you crazy?" He asks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Cas lowers his gaze to the floor. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable after the things I said. I wasn't sure if you would feel the same way." Dean looks at him for a moment, unsure how he could think that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Well, does this tell you how I feel?" He grabs Cas by the lapel's of his trench coat and pulls him in, crashing their lips together. They pull away, both smiling. "Yes. It does." Cas smiles. Dean grins and grabs Cas' hand squeezing it. He looks around the barn, reminiscing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"We've come along way, haven't we?" Dean asks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"We have." Cas replies._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"I don't feel like I'm on fire anymore."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Why is that?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Cause I have my angel back."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> i saw it a few times so i cant credit anyone specific but shoutout to twt for the funny concept of cas pretending to be jimmy out of fear of dean's response. anyway thanks 4 reading


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